Hoard Of The Flies/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, I like the expression waste not, want not. Or in harold's case, want not, you not. So I found a use for these little slivers of soap that are too small to shower with. These are a lot like lodge members. You always find one at the end of a bar, and it usually gets thrown out. But don't throw them out. Instead, cut them into little pieces the same width as the legs of your kitchen chairs. And then stick them on to the bottoms with the handyman's secret weapon. See, these things will stop the chairs from scratching your linoleum, just as good as those felt pads you can buy at dalton's store, if you're absolutely made of money. But that's not all it can do... Because the next time your wife asks you to wash the floor, you don't even have to get up. [ crash! ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate it. All right. Big, big week up at the lodge this week -- boy the flies are -- you want flies with that? Unbelievable. They got one of those antique road show type things in town, where they invite people to bring out your old, useless junk and they tell you if it's worth anything. Dalton's wife took him over there. She was hoping he was worth 40 bucks, and he was wearing a $50 hat. [ cheers and applause ] you are so fly. Yeah? Well, you are so bug. Well, maybe you won't feel that way about me after I'm stinking rich. Yes, I will, I just won't mention it. How are you going to get rich, harold? Are you going to sue your parents? Because I think you have a case. No, I have a treasure, something priceless that I've managed to hold onto since childhood. Can't be what I'm thinkin'. Oh, man! What? Well, do the words hello, dolly, mean anything to you? It's not a doll, it's a priceless porcelain figurine. Yes, it is, and when the appraisers see it, they'll confirm my suspicions. Harold, seeing you with a doll confirms everyone's suspicions. I'll show you what a treasure looks like. Look at this baby right here. That's a genuine, turn-of-the-century antique fishing basket. This is like a family heirloom, harold. This is my most prized possession. More so than the possum van? How can that be? You know, sarcasm is a dangerous tool. Well, I've learned from the best, the dangerous tool himself. [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] tonight's prize is a free, uh -- fang -- uh, fing shooi -- uh, sorry. Uh, what does that say? Coupon. Cover your ears, dalton. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get dalton humphrey to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And... Go! Okay, dalton, agatha christie is what kind of writer? Dead. No, but before that she was... British. Um, this is another word for whodunit. Paternity suit? No, okay, okay, something happens and you think it was an accident, but it wasn't an accident, that's called a... Shotgun wedding. Uh, almost outta time, red. Yeah. Okay, dalton, this starts with the letter "m", it's got seven letters in it, and whenever you hear it, you know some poor guy is dead. Married. Dalton, why are you so negative about marriage? If you spent a little more time with ann marie, it wouldn't be such a mystery. There we go. Joining us today on harold's hobby house, to tell us all about his hobby is urban legend and rural myth, mr. Hap shaughnessy. [ cheers and applause ] I have so many hobbies, harold, I could be your guest every week. Well, I think maybe we should focus. Well, exactly. So I've zeroed in on my love for art, my ability to evaluate great paintings. Oh, okay, and you can do that as a hobby? Oh, sure. It takes a keen eye and a suspicious mind to authenticate a painting. Now, you take these two rembrandts. Would you have guessed that one of them is worthless? I would've guessed more than that. You know, you don't often see black velvet paintings done by the masters. Okay, now, that's very good. And if you look very closely, you'll see that this painting has the same type of velvet that was popular in France in the late 1800s. Yes, but rembrandt was in holland in the 1600s. Right. And that's how we know that this painting is a fake. Now, then, the other one is the true rembrandt. Another clue is his signature down here in the corner. Yeah, that's not how you spell rembrandt. There's supposed to be a "d". That's a silent "d", harold. At that time all silent ds were written with invisible ink. Whatever was I thinking? Well, don't feel bad. You just haven't done the research. You don't know the history. As you get older, harold, you'll find that history is the truth. Oh, really? Because when I speak with you, I oftentimes feel that the truth is history. [ applause ] you know, every once in a while the gods smile on us. It might be a gapped-tooth smile, but who's complaining? See, we have this old, rundown, outdated hospital in port asbestos. Well, last month they closed it, which they figure will save thousands of lives. They opened up a new modern facility with real doctors, who do things like wear rubber gloves, which would make all the difference. And the lucky part is I managed to get my hands on all this used hospital gear. Now, I'm not a doctor, don't even play one on television. But I believe I can transform this old medical equipment into something cheap and useful. The exact opposite of what it's been so far. Now, this unit is called a gurney, which is a medical expression for horizontal wedgie. The beauty of this baby is the adjustable height. I'm gonna take her down as far as she'll go because that gives us the lowest centre of gravity and when the horizontal wedgie kicks in, I won't have as far to fall. Now, the reason for the low centre of gravity is because I'm actually building a self-propelled vehicle out of this junk. If you already figured that out, you're startin' to think like me, and you might wanna warn your loved ones. Now, of course, using the gurney tires as drive wheels would be stupid. So instead I'm going with these high precision, oversized rim wheelchair racing tires. Mount the wheelchair backwards on one end of the gurney. And make sure she's on there good and solid. Not only able to handle high speeds, but also high speed accidents. Okay, got my drive train all hooked up. A couple of cordless drills mounted on some I.V. Stands did the trick. But I need a little extra speed, because if people see those I.V. Stands put-putting along they'll start calling me a slow drip. See, the beauty of going with electric drive is that it's real easy to amp up the horsepower. The drills have got 18 volt motors in them, but these emergency hospital batteries are 24 volts each. Now, you may call that too much juice, I call it a good start. I'm hooking the batteries up in series so I'm actually going to have 72 volts running through the drills. They'll go like stink, but not for long, which is fine with me. It's the same prognosis my doctor gave me. Now, for those safety nuts out there, I've got this anchor attached to a chunk of surgical tubing. That'll give me a soft but effective braking system. I call it abs, a big stretch. My wife just calls it bs. You can blow up a bunch of surgical gloves and use 'em as air bags. And when they're not in use, of course, you'll keep 'em in the glove compartment. Okay, we're just about ready for our test drive. I thought the doctor's outfit would fit in nice with the medical motif. At my age, you don't get to play doctor all that often. Plus I figure if things don't work out, the emergency room doctors will probably give me better treatment, if they think I'm one of them. Speaking of hospitals now, it occurred to me that brakes are fine, but steering might also be a nice touch. So I wired up this cardiac defibrillator to control the amount of juice going to each of my drills. And I took off the voltage regulator knob and replaced it with a steering wheel. So now when I turn right, most of the electricity goes to the right-side defibrillator paddle and makes that drill go faster, so I turn right -- no, that would be left. Okay, no, turn left. All right, okay, the steering's backwards, but I can remember that. Our roads are pretty straight anyway. And that's how you make an exciting vehicle out of a bunch of old hospital junk. The beauty of this car is if you do get into an accident, you can actually treat yourself until the medics arrive. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Clear! We have a few father and son businesses in our area. You know, like jones and son heating. It's always someone and son. Of course, the someone has a name, the son is just a son. You never see dad and jones. And when you're the father it's probably natural to want your son to follow you into business. It's one of the many downsides of success. But you should remember that there are about 10 million different careers out there, and they keep inventing more... Mp3 driver repairman, reality tv host, gay bar bouncer. Maybe your kid would rather be one of those. You may think he's like you, but if he doesn't share your taste in music, tv, movies, food or tattoos, is he gonna share your taste in jobs? Or maybe you just want him to be like you. Check with his mother. That may not be such a hot idea. Instead, let the kid decide for himself. Think of how many times a year you go and visit your dad. How would like to see him every day on the other side of your desk? You'd be even lazier than you are now. It's one of the laws of nature that when the father rises the son sets. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] [ fly buzzing ] well, I just got back from visiting those antique experts. They don't know what they're talkin' about. They told me my fishing basket was a piece of crap. I told them it dates back to the early orient, but they said "made in taiwan" doesn't add value. And the flies are just brutal. The windshield of the possum van looks like harold's graduation picture. ♪ la la la la la ♪ ♪ la-la la! ♪ okay, that's it, harold, step away from the doll. No, no, I do not think I will be letting this doll out of my sight very soon at all. Don't tell me it's actually worth something. $3,500! Holy dina! Well, you need to put that somewhere safe. Somewhere where nobody but you goes. How about your bedroom? No, I gotta put it somewhere where people won't think to look. I have to put the doll inside something completely worthless, which shouldn't be too difficult. Oh! Oh! Your fishing basket. That's perfect. Yeah. Yeah. All right, harold, but I hope you'll remember this when you eventually sell the doll in terms of sharing the upside with the person that helped you keep it safe. Oh, yeah, okay, whatever. Oh! How brilliant is that! Oh, yeah, harold, you're a genius. Yes, I am. Gimme five! [ laughter and applause ] red: Bill and walter decided to do a little skateboarding, and bill couldn't even get out the door. That's a good sign. Kind of a dangerous sport for -- well, there you're through now. And there's the skateboards. So walter comes out and bill catches the downspout. They say most accidents happen out home. That explains both of them. So walter's lookin' at the clogged drainpipe. He's gonna blow it out. Oh! She seems clear as a bell now. So he apologizes to bill and gets cleaned up. And walter notices the entire eavestrough is just covered with leaves and twigs and what have you from many, many seasons. So they're thinking maybe they should clean out the eavestroughs, and they can probably combine the hobby with the job. Use the skateboards on a ladder. So they can roll the ladder along and they can clean out the eavestrough as they go, but walter misunderstood and put it on his end, so -- now you've got what we like to call a double ender. And so get her up towards the roof there. And easy now, bill, easy, easy. Easy, easy. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Probably just as well he doesn't have kids anyway. So he gets it in place yeah, you're good, you're great. Yeah, we understand, we get it. We get it, boys. Oh, isn't that just peachy? Okay, so walter goes up the ladder and the idea is if he takes one of those small little garden shovels he can stick that in the eavestrough. And bill will just slide the unit along, and it'll clean out the eavestrough as they go. And it's working real good. But then, uh, walter drops the shovel. Bill doesn't see it, and he trips on it, and he pushes the ladder. The next thing you know, walter's pickin' up speed here. This could be dangerous. No, you're good. You're good. You're okay, walter. It's okay, there's a kiddie park there. That'll slow you down. You should be fine. Oh, no, not the swings! Not the swings. Okay, take a breath. Oh, no, you're good -- oh, whoa! Okay, all right. So that's what the the skateboard was for. Into the clothesline, back the other way. Okay, is it all comin' back to you now, walter? Oh, boy! And, uh, I'll be home in a minute. And okay, we said clean out the eavestroughs, not clean 'em off. Okay, so you remember that, kids. Skateboarding is very dangerous. [ applause ] you know, when you live in our climate, guys have to make a tough decision. Do you try to impress the ladies with a sporty convertible, or do you get a vehicle that can survive the other 11½ months of the year? I mean, this baby won't get stuck in the mud or avalanches, but it's not exactly a chick magnet. They call it a pick-up, but that's false advertising. But I'm gonna show you how you can have the best of both worlds using everyday items you find in your own bedroom closet... Chain cutters, crowbar, hockey stick, crutches and a garden claw. When the cold weather starts in late August, you put everything back where it was, but until then, you get the fun and glamour of a convertible. And as far as the girls go, I think the main thing is to get attention. And believe me, you'll get attention. [ applause ] [ flies buzzing ] well, the antique roadshow hit the road and we've got nothing to show for it. Other than harold, the only guy who did okay was old man sedgwick, because he had these shoes that dated back to the mid-1800s. They said they were worth five grand, but he wouldn't sell because he's still wearing them. Hey, red. Yeah? Have you seen harold? Yeah, he's downstairs hanging strips of flypaper. I hear he's getting into the collectibles business now. I've got a doll to sell him. Dalton, that's a g.I. Joe. Yes, but it's valuable. I'd like $3,500. But you know, I'm prepared to let it go for 17 bucks. I'll tell him you're here. Hey, harold, come on up here for a minute. Harold: I can't! I'm stuck in the fly paper. Oh, man. Dalton, no!! What? What have you done? I-it was an accident. You swung a bowling ball at a fly. What did you think was going to happen? A seven-ten split? Did I just hear something unfortunate? My figurine is ruined! Dalton smashed the basket. Oh, now, calm down, harold. I was worried about the thing lying in there, so I moved it somewhere safe. Oh! Oh! Oh! Whoo! Whoo! Where'd you put it? Uh, oh, I put it in that bowling bag. What? What? It's in there. It's fine. I'm sure it's fine. What's wrong? Audience: Awwww! Uh, well, dalton, I think you should give harold you g.I. Joe. G.I. Joe? Okay. Okay. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, you guys go ahead. I'll be right down. Oh, boy. Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. We all learned an important lesson today. That the only value in something is in using it. Get it? And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself, harold, and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down. Meeting's coming to order. Everybody sit down. Sit down. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. Okay, great news, men. Now that we've proven that everything in the lodge is worthless crap, we qualify for cheaper insurance. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com